


My personal angel

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Poetic, TW Existential crisis, TW negativity, TW sadness, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4242009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt: "Phil trying to cheer up Dan after he has an existential crisis before his birthday". It's another one of these poetic fics. ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	My personal angel

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t know Dan or Phil and I don’t claim any of this is real. This is all fictional and I own everything, except for the characters, of course.
> 
> Originally posted on my tumblr page

_Distress, anguish, despair,_

_Cold, empty, void,_

_Nothing, nothing, nothing,_

 

Time rushing by, right through my fingers. Unstoppable. All-encompassing. A heartbeat closer to death. Is there a point? Will there ever be a point?

Why am I alive? Why do I exist?

 

_Meaningless, bare, drained,_

 

Why should I keep trying if the end goal is the same? Does it matter?

 

_Does it?_

 

If I just lay here for the rest of time, what does it mean? What it means to  _be_? Will we ever understand it? Is there a point? Cause I honestly can’t see it, and it floods my heart with sorrow to think that it will end and I  _won’t figure it out_.

 

_Lost, exposed, alone._

 

My birthday would come soon. Everyone would celebrate. Fans would make fun of my so-called ‘existential crisis’, as if they knew how I felt. They couldn’t really. I would never let them know the pain it made me feel. The absolute emptiness. It was my burden and mine alone. They didn’t deserve to know. So I allowed myself to be the end of their jokes and tried to laugh along, no matter how much it would tear me apart.

 

_They’d never know what it meant to question it all,_

_And, God, I hope they’ll never have to!_

 

I heard someone drop down next to me on the floor. Of course I knew who it was, who it would ever be. My permanent companion, the one who would always be there for me. The only one who could numb the pain. It would never fully go away, but he managed to push it to the back of my mind with such ease that it made me marvel on how extraordinary he was.

I didn’t want to forget, though. I felt like I deserved the punishment of thinking too much. I wanted to lay there and breathe out life instead of letting it fill me. It was fine to let go for a while, I figured. Just while I tried to make sense of it.

He was there, though, the constant reminder that time would pass. Time would never stop for me and it was terrifying and overwhelming. I could hear his breathing right next to mine and it hit me, as it often did, that his clock was running to. One of the few thoughts in life I could not bear, the inevitability of losing him. And yet it was one of life’s most cruel certainties.

I thought he was just going to lay there with me in silent companionship, but I was surprised by his warm hand closing around mine, reassuringly. I let a long breath out, feeling lighter somehow. He was here now, with me. His existence comforted me and filled me up with all that was previously lacking.

 

_Warmth, calm, serenity,_

 

I heard his voice, comforting as he talked to me. I knew it was rude to just ignore the words, but the cadence of his voice was enough to lull me away into the gentle waves of his blue eyes. I stared at him now, the sweet little smirk that was so his, as he kept talking to me. I was taking it all in, the beauty of it, the wonder of his partnership, his gentleness.

 

_Peace, love, tenderness,_

 

I focused as he said something that vaguely sounded like he was trying to coax me off the floor. I nodded, fully trusting him, and he pulled me up to my feet, gently leading me towards the couch. He got two mugs and pressed a warm one into my hands, making sure I gripped it. He then pulled me into his side and put an arm over both of my shoulders, sharing his presence with me as much as possible.

I looked up at him, still slightly dazed and lost. The darkness started to become a distant thought in the back of my mind as I observed his face. His smell, his warmth. Everything that was Phil kept me alive. 

I was stunned by the fondness in my own heart at this beautiful human, my personal angel, who would pick me up off the ground, only to hold me close and whisper in my ear that it would all be okay now.

 

_And, with the hint of a smile, I believed him._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know :^D


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